I can't dress myself. I mean, I can dress myself in the most literal sense, I can tell a shirt from a skirt from a pair of pants and I understand what goes where and how the zippers and buttons and other fasteners work, but I have problems getting dressed. I stand in front of my closet, two closets actually, in my underwear and stare at an obscene amount of clothing and can't find anything to wear. Then I'll choose something and discover that I have to change my bra because it won't work properly under that sweater so I have to choose something else. So I choose something else but the jeans that look really good with that top are too tight this week cuz I'm a little bloated, maybe even bitchy. I could wear the other jeans but then I have to wear the black boots with the high heels and I'm doing too much walking today to be comfortable in heels. Back to square one. I don't have this problem when I get ready for work because I dress with a y-chromosome attitude for my job. Jeans. T-shirt, long or short sleeved, or a tank depending on how warm or cold it is. Hiking boots or tennis shoes. Easy. Minimal make-up and a baseball cap or a pony tail. Easy. The numerous variables on weekends and evenings make dressing much more complicated. Then there are the accessories. I must confess that I over-accessorize, I love jewelry and hats and scarves and shoes! And the longer it takes me to get ready, the more accessories I'll pile on. For every additional five minutes it takes me to get out the door I'll add another piece of jewelry or change my mind about my shoes. Sometimes my best friend Anna will look me over as we're heading out the door and ask me what the count is. You must first be aware that Anna is a minimalist as far as accessories go. She can comfortably go out in public wearing only a watch, earrings, maybe a bracelet and a scarf. Well, obviously she's wearing clothing, too! But her accessory count tops out at 5. I get into the shower with seven pieces of jewelry on! Partly because I'm too lazy to remove what I'm just going to put back on in a few minutes. But also because I rarely change these 7 items for anything different, so it seems kind of silly to take them off when they seem to be unharmed by a little shower gel and water. My standard accessory count when leaving the house is 15 or 16. Anna narrows her eyes at me but as long as I don't look like a walking Christmas tree I usually meet with her approval. She understands, as most women do, that if I have to edit my look for the day, or the goddess forbid, start over again getting dressed, we'll never get out of the house and down to the business at hand. Which is frequently shopping. For more clothing. And accessories. Don't get me started on shoes!
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I fretted about what I was going to wear for a date once (the Genesis of the Lucky Underwear) and another time when I was going to be on Jeopardy!
And then I only fretted because I didn't have a jacket that would work on television. I bought a new shirt, bought a blue suit jacket at Goodwill and borrowed a tie from my roommate. My hair really looked good that day, but the make-up guy (who was really cool, had an autographed photo of BB King at his table) screwed it up and it didn't look as cool as it should have.
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