Mustard Seed

...am I wasting all my prayers in the dark...It's a line from the song Mustard Seed. Written by Shawn Michael Bitz, it can be heard on AbbySomeOne's cd, Fist. You have to listen for the line, toward the end of the song, almost whispered. Like a prayer. And it makes me wonder why I go after the unattainable. Maybe because something seems worthy of the effort only if it's slightly beyond my reach. Maybe it's about hope and faith and faery dust, that if you believe in something so strongly, it will come to be. Maybe it's just because it's February and we are a mere ten days away from Valentine's Day, Cupid's dreaded holy day of obligation. Oh, my, I must be talking about love. I've never really liked Valentine's Day, it's just too loaded with expectations, a lot of flash and frequently very little substance. This year will mark the first Valentine's Day since 1984 where my heart truly belongs to me. A good, solid feeling although lonely at times. Twenty-one years ago I got married in February. And one year ago I filed for divorce in February. This month is a bit of an emotional landfill for me. I've dug down through the layers and examined pretty much all of it. I'm at peace with it. I've healed, and I have the scars to prove that I've survived loving and losing. And it amazes me that despite having been thoroughly kicked around by Cupid, I'm willing to give it another shot even when there seem to be no likely prospects in sight. Love is the miracle that makes the darkness tolerable. The tiny mustard seed, a symbol of faith, rendering the seemingly unattainable possible. A prayer in the dark, if fervent and true, is never wasted. Like the mustard seed, all it needs is a little tending to grow.