April First Impressions

Long, long ago and actually in a house across the street from where I now live, though this side of the street had no houses yet, I attended a primitive cultural phenomenon known as a Home Interiors party. The lady of the house, I'm thinking her name was Julie, had invited a dozen or so of her very best friends, checkbooks in hand, over for an evening of munchies and beverages and feminine bonding over chotchkies. There was a perky and enthusiastic sales representative who demonstrated amazing ways to group things like framed prints and little shelves and various knickknacky items to place upon said shelves like fake plants and candles on the walls of your home to make it more, well, homey. One of the most important decorating tasks the Home Interiors lady challenged us with, was the festooning of what she called the impression wall. We oooohed. The impression wall, she continued, is that critical first wall that a visitor would see just as they step in your front door. It should represent you, the essence of you, what your family is all about. She further assured us that the very items to create said impression wall were available in the Home Interiors catalog. She then pointed at various women in the group and asked them what was currently on the impression wall in her own home. She made the mistake of asking me. At the time I was living with my boyfriend. He had fabulous taste in women, obviously, but was a little shaky on impression wall, um, impressions. His contribution to our living room decor was a black velvet nude painting of a very lovely woman with seriously asymmetrical boobs. Leaving whoever should cross our front door threshold with the impression that we like bad art as well as naked women. Dubious impression, at best. The perky HI rep was speechless. I have always possessed the ability to stop any sort of social gathering dead in its tracks by opening my mouth. Well, she did ask. At any rate, I didn't buy anything at the party. I just went with my friend Theresa because if Julie had a certain number of guests she got a better hostess gift. And because there would be wine. In the above photo, please enjoy the impression wall of my current home. The kitchen. Heart and soul of any house. I think it looks nice in the long view.

But something sinister emerges when you zoom in. Pots. Knives. A marble rolling pin. Domestic weapons of mass destruction. And, shockingly, they are all naked. The more things change, the more they stay the same.