Day of Thanks

Let's see. I'm still in my pajamas. If I'd been thinking, I would have planned my life to never have to be anywhere prior to 10 am, just like one of the characters from Catch-22. I don't mind getting up early, particularly if a nap is anticipated later on in the day, but I love not having to be anywhere but here until a much more respectable hour. And on this national day of gluttony, football and thankfulness, I am thankful that I pretty much have the day off. I am thankful to have woken up in my comfortable, warm bed without the alarm clock screaming at me. I am thankful that despite the fact that I love to cook that I do not have to cook today. Two years ago, my first Thanksgiving as a soon-to-be single person, I looked forward to a day of self indulgence and quiet much like I'm experiencing today. I had several invitations for dinner at friend's homes. They were concerned that I not be alone and potentially depressed on a family holiday. They couldn't quite believe that I craved a day of solitude and quiet and I eventually caved and accepted one of the gracious offers. I did have a pleasant time. And the food was wonderful, the company congenial. But I would have been just fine at home on my own. On the road of adjustment to no longer being half of a married couple, there have been many difficult and lonely days or merely parts of days and nights. But never have these restless, sad hours fallen on a significant day on the calendar. They seem to pop up randomly, triggered by such subtle things as a photo or memory or smell. The late afternoon shadows of trees thrown across the backyard by a lingering sun sometimes has the effect of stirring up mixed feelings of anticipating an evening alone. Opening a bottle of wine that won't be shared, rather solitarily consumed even though out of habit I often pull two glasses out of the cabinet. I haven't spent a Christmas alone yet, eventually that may be the convergence of calendar and a feeling of unsavored solitude. But for now, after twenty years of sometimes a little too much togetherness, I am thankful for occasionally having a day to myself. As long as I choose to be alone I probably will enjoy it. It remains to be seen how I will feel if the seclusion is thrust upon me.