Found: My Mind

I have this lovely bracelet. Bought it four or so years ago, it's a sterling silver chain with two abalone beads that alternate with three silver charms. Each of the charms is inscribed with a single word, those words being body, mind and spirit. I wore it often. I liked the smooth, cool feel of the charms against my skin and the relative heaviness of it. In addition to the sentiment of the words on the charms, the weight of it on my wrist was a reminder of why I liked the bracelet so much. That ancient triad of the whole and its parts, separate yet so intricately entwined that what affects one aspect, affects all. Kind of an existential, holistic view of life dangling about my arm. The last time I wore it was two and a half years ago, to my book group gathering in January, 2005. Later that evening, when removing the "extra" ornaments while preparing for bed, (regular readers are aware that I sleep, bathe, shower, etc. with a minimum of seven pieces of jewelry, other extra ornaments are added most days) I noticed that the bracelet was missing one of its silver charms. And wouldn't you know, it was the one that read "mind". What had been suspected by many for some time was now official. I had, indeed and literally, lost my mind. Mary, who had hosted the book group, searched her home and found nothing. Even a thorough vacuuming had not turned up a clanky, metallic visitor in her Hoover's refuse tank. An equally thorough search of Sue's car was fruitless as well. I looked around the house, in my clothing, the garage, my coat sleeves, even the driveway and after a week or so gave up and accepted the loss. The bracelet took up residence in the bottom of my jewelry box, it just didn't feel right to wear it in this incomplete state. I tried to locate a similar charm to replace the one I had lost but met with no success for my efforts. It's interesting looking back on that recent period of my life because little did I know at the time I lost the charm, that in the ensuing weeks I would genuinely feel as though I had lost my mind. In the next seven weeks, my life as I knew it, came crashing down around me in ways I could never have imagined, let alone predicted. Did I have a hand in creating this calamity? Yes. Was I aware of the downside? Yes. I wasn't foolish enough to think that I had any control over the events that transpired, but in even my most lurid worst case scenario conceptions, I didn't go far enough. The sheer ferocity of the judgment and anger that followed astonished me. Terrified me. Made me question everything. My tremendous personal losses included my marriage and my extended family. I was ostracized from my social circle which included friendships of twenty years' endurance. I survived this deepest, darkest period of my life with the help of counseling and a handful of my true friends who stood by me. I truly felt as if I had lost my mind. It took months to crawl out of that abyss and rebuild my life. Some days all that kept me going were the smiling faces of my sons. I think I needed them more than they needed me, but that was enough. I eventually slept comfortably through the night again. I could eat without the food feeling as though it was lodged in my throat and could go no further. I dug deep into my pain and shone light into the darkest corners of my emotional closet. I took responsibility, made amends, confronted my frailties and healed. For some time now I have felt as if my mind is back in residence, elastic and competent and still capable of learning and adapting. Then, just a couple of days ago, when perusing a rack of silver rings in the jewelry department of one of my favorite shopping haunts, I found my mind again. A simple silver band inscribed with the words mind, body and spirit. With the bonus words peace and love! On my bracelet, the words had dangled on charms, somehow in jeopardy of breaking loose and falling away with no warning. Now they are firmly in place, encircling my finger, integrated into one piece with a solidarity that feels consistent with my current life. Peace. Mind. Body. Spirit. Love. It's funny how Anna and I have observed over the last year or so that if we combine the various aspects of our individual lives, we have one complete life with a few extras. We have vowed to one another to focus on the areas of our lives that need enhancement so that between us, we will have two complete lives, one for each of us. So I've been meditating on how to complete my life, how to go about getting what I need, including what I need to give. Maybe now, I'm finally ready for a complete life. I have the ring to remind me that the rest will come in the fullness of time.