My Contemplative Month

Thirty-eight years ago today was my wedding day. Which means I have been single again for nearly as long as I was married. Today is no longer a day that I celebrate, nor is it a day that triggers great sorrow or joy. It's a fact. February, for me, is riddled with dates that do trigger deep emotions. Obviously the 14th, Valentine's Day. And while it has been some time since I had a romantic partner in my life, it has come to be a day of gratitude for all the forms of love that do exist for me. I celebrate that. Yesterday was the birthday of my brother Cullen, whom I have written about here many times. He would have been sixty. A number of years ago I arrived at a place where his birthday triggers more love and happiness for having known him than sadness over his death. Though I still feel as though I should be able to pick up my phone and give him a call. So we could do what we used to do. Talk about everything and nothing, the ridiculous as well as the sublime. I still have some of his ashes that I plan to inter when I plant a tree for him here. February 21st is a difficult day. What happened on that day not too many years ago became a source of fear and pain, and for some time triggered panic attacks and anxiety. I have mostly worked my way through those negative reactions, I remind myself that it is also my dear friend Sara's birthday and focus on that. A Leap year is upon us which reminds me that my friend Tigh will be all of nine years old the end of the month. The twenty-ninth is also the day that my father died four years ago. I was not close to my father. At the time of his death I had not seen him since 1993, nearly twenty-seven years. I've searched his name on the internets a few times and still have not seen a death notice or obituary. This means part of my lizard brain would not be surprised should he appear at my door. My rational brain tells me that he was suffering from dementia and did not know how to Google so it's not likely at all that he would be able to find me. Eleven more days to contemplate. Let's hope for the best.