The Process Continues

I quietly left my chair once the lights were out. I prefer, you see, to experience emotional meltdown moments in private, if at all possible. This one took me by surprise, though, I didn't see it coming. On Wednesdays at work we have these ususally mercifully brief meetings directly following lunch. They involve a topic relative to our lab's services or a safety topic. Sometimes these presentations are well thought out and interesting. Sometimes those responsible for presenting scramble to put something together at the last minute and it shows. Today was a safety meeting illustrating the dangers of inattentive driving. Relative to our jobs, it was said, because the higher-ups are in the process of forming a company policy involving cell phone use in company vehicles. A fifteen minute video was to be shown. That was when I exited. Personally, I don't need a reminder of how devastating and tragic the consequences of inattentive driving can be. A mere eight months ago my very dear brother was killed in a head-on collision when another driver was distracted, probably by cell phone use. I peeked back into the lunchroom about halfway through the video, seeing a still photo with a name under it, then interview footage of a family survivor, probably talking about their personal loss. At that moment I knew I had made the right decision when my gut instinct told me to leave. I'm not sure how many people at work are aware of the circumstances of my brother's death, no one asked me about my absence from the meeting this afternoon. After eight months, I'm getting used to the idea that I'll never see Cullen again, and the sting of that realization has mellowed some. When I walk through the family room, I greet his photo and the canister containing his ashes. It feels comfortable and familiar to have him here. I'm just not ready to watch others who have lost a loved one in a similar way parade their grief for the camera, even if it's for a good cause. It feels too much like it's me up there on the screen. I don't know when I'll be able to be more public on this subject. Maybe when a quick exit for a private meltdown doesn't feel necessary.