Oh. My. It is nothing short of astonishing and revelatory what a big, fat dose of emotional turmoil and stress can bring out in a person. Meaning me. The past two weeks have been a roller coaster of the heart and mind and soul that I am happy to say I have exited. Whew. At some point this evening I came back to center after some pretty erratic behavior, some of it alcohol fueled. It's as if an extra head sporting snakes for hair and gleaming, red eyes has had occasion to sprout from my shoulder and take over for a while. And now that it seems to be out of my system I realize I have learned a few things. That I have some very tolerant, wonderful, supportive friends who have kept me safe and given me comfort. And that includes you, my dear sister. That I'm not nearly as strong or as smart as I thought I was, but yet smart enough and strong enough to survive what has seemed unbearable. My skill set for apologizing has become rapier sharp. I hope to keep the thought forward in my mind that apologies, tears, and forgiveness are healing in a most miraculous way. Now that I've (mostly) finished acting out, I can get down to the heart of the matter I've been avoiding. It would have been so much easier to go directly there instead of distracting myself. I can now get on with the business of mourning the death of my brother.
You have just gone through one of the worst things imaginable. Cut yourself some slack. And if you ever need to just talk, feel free to pop out. Whether on the porch--or the fifth stair--you're always welcome.
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