No Butterfly

My social life consists of three things. The various sundry activities I take part in with my friends Anna and Colleen and the stuff I do with my kids. That might seem like only two things, but I'm claiming three. I was just contemplating this fact and wondering if the state of my social interaction is pitiful or enviable. The things that I recently did but no longer do isn't such a long list, but the pre-divorce list is substantial. My ex-husband inherited most of that chapter of our shared life. That's okay, it seems that one or the other is embraced and retained within the group of people the former couple was a part of, rarely both. I'm on friendly terms with many of these people but it seems the comfort level of the group demanded that one or the other of us could be included, and he was chosen. This seems odd in a way, since in this group, as in many social circles, the relationships are maintained and the parties planned by the women. Initially I have to say being excluded was very painful and it took a long time to get over the fact that there were friendships and relationships and family connections of twenty plus years that abruptly came to a halt. But I adjusted to this as I adjusted to the many other upheavals that stemmed from the break-up of my marriage. Recently I have retired from volleyball. Last season was my last, and about half the time I played pretty well. It seemed like the time to retire, mostly because I just didn't have the burning desire to play any more. I haven't played cards with the 10 Point Pitch group since last spring. It would seem that they have been able to fill the tables without calling in the subs. I was a member of a book group for a couple of years that I enjoyed greatly but I haven't attended in over a year. They commence discussion of the monthly read on a chosen Wednesday promptly at 5:30. I rarely get home from work by then, much less have time in which to become presentable for company. I kept up on the reading for the most part just in case I was able to attend but it just didn't happen. I have pulled in these last months and stayed closer to home more than in the last five or so years. And I think that's a good thing, I have needed the quiet and to have my life less scheduled than it used to be. I may not be a butterfly like I used to be, but I'm more content than I've been in a long time. I have learned to be still. And inside that newfound stillness there are enviable moments that feed my spirit. I just may become a butterfly once more. And I'm sure I'll have more fun this time around.