Grudgingly Grateful

Where am I? Here. And how exactly did I get here? I would guess that the responsible and correct answer to that question would be through a series of decisions and events, some of which I had control over and some which I did not. Have control over. Glad I cleared that up. I'm in a funk. And this funk, it would seem, is a self-inflicted one. I don't even know what that is. How the hell could I be in the middle of a self-inflicted funk if I don't know what one is? I'll have to give that one some thought and get back to you later. A little over two weeks ago I got a lousy haircut. Actually, it's not that bad, it may turn out to be pretty okay, it's just that she took off at least two inches instead of the one inch I requested and cut the layers way too high up. The result is that the curl has gone completely nuts and it's not quite long enough to pull back in a ponytail when it gets unruly. Not that my hair is ever particularly ruly. Anyway, it's calmed down quite a bit and I've received a number of compliments on it. Which totally defeats the purpose of being annoyed by it. It's just hair, and at least on me, it will grow back. So the recent haircut must not be the root of my funkiness. Whenever I feel this way I remind myself that I have a tremendous number of things to be grateful about. And then I get annoyed because that begins to spoil the self-centered pissypityparty I'm slipping into and I have to work at it a little. That's it! A funk may come over me at times for seemingly no real reason but I make an effort to pull myself out of it. So then it requires a conscious effort to fling myself back into it! Thus is born the self-inflicted funk! I think we have a breakthrough! The climb back out of the funk then becomes an exercise in being grudgingly grateful. I remember something I am truly grateful for, like the fact that I love being a mother, even when my sons do things that make me crazy, but I really, really do love them...and so on. It would seem that everything I'm grateful for has the teeniest bit of a downside. Usually the downside portion is hardly worth mentioning. But I mention it anyway. Like I said, I'm grudgingly grateful! Then I might possibly laugh at myself, resulting in an even further departure of the funk I'm now desperately trying to hang onto for reasons I can't remember. When I'm through with the grudging part it's likely I'll end up in a state of genuine gratitude. When I reach this particular state I am able to recognize that I'm actually happy about most of the things in my life. My kids. My friends. My home. My job. My health. Writing. My cats. Even if Newton has lately developed an affection for peeing on my bed. Can I whine just a little because I don't have a man in my life right now? He'd likely end up being just one more thing that I'm grudgingly grateful for. Come to think of it, the only thing I'm wholly grateful for is chocolate. And Christmas. Maybe going out for lunch. Certainly getting to sleep late on weekends. If I'm not careful I'm going to slip right out of this self-inflicted funk.