Circle

Today is the twentieth day of June. A day that marks some notable beginnings and endings in my life. It is my elder son's birthday today. Nineteen years ago was the beginning of motherhood for me and the end of a full night's sleep for the duration. June twentieth is often when the Summer Solstice takes place. The end of spring and the beginning of summer. I've always liked making the connection between this day having the most hours of sunlight and my firstborn's arrival, my own little personal ray of sunshine. I'll bake a cake this afternoon just like I have since his first birthday and wrap a few presents and place them on the coffee table in the living room. He's still responsible for inflicting a sleepless night or two on me, but for vastly different reasons than when he was an infant. As a mother, one set of worries replaces another as they grow and assert their independence. An endless circle of endings and beginnings. One year ago today the divorce papers I had signed went before the judge. He signed off making today the one year anniversary of me being a single woman once again. I didn't know until a couple of weeks later when the fat envelope arrived in my mailbox that the end of my twenty year marriage took place on our son's birthday. When one window closes, another opens. In theory, anyway. Often the openings and closings happen outside your realm of awareness, only to be discovered and recognized later. Sometimes that distance gives some perspective on the fluid nature of our lives. How changes morph and weave their way through our existence only to be appreciated when we make the connection. Today I will mail a letter that ends a relationship. I labored for some time over the content of this letter. I struggled to be fair and honest and clear about my intentions. I don't know when or how I will receive any feedback on this letter. I do know that it closes a window for me that feels as though it scarcely was opened. So I wonder what window will open for me today. And when I'll first breathe the new, cool breeze that comes through it.