Until I Get it Right

Understanding follows acceptance. I know this is how it works. Yet sometimes I still stubbornly insist on understanding a thing before I will accept it. I am only an egg, I have so much to learn. And I'm most aware of how little I know when I experience a moment of clarity that follows accepting what cannot be changed. Edited. Altered. So. Of late I have been preoccupied with dissecting a past relationship, picking it apart in an attempt to discern what I learned from it in order to let it go. Over and over again, I would hit a wall tinged with a longing for another shot at making it work, even though I knew that was not what I wanted. I ended up at that wall once more just a couple of days ago. I stared at it in frustration until at last I gave over to acceptance. This is over. I don't want it back. I let go. And immediately felt a warm blanket of emotional comfort envelop me from head to toe. For the remainder of the day, I felt lighter in the wake of letting go of a burden I was choosing to carry. Acceptance was mine. I slept well and deeply that night. Upon waking I clearly retained the images from a dream, and pondered what had taken place in that dream. Inside that introspection was a lesson. He didn't deserve the benefit of the doubt that I so readily extended to him. At first, yes, but not after proving that he wasn't reliable. Understanding is now mine. And with that understanding there is room inside me to let better things come into my life. I think I may finally be a grownup when I can go to acceptance without a struggle.