Saturday, June 14, 2014

Saturday The 14th

So I broke into my own house today. And it really wasn't all that easy. One of the cats helped me. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Reid wanted pizza so clearly it's all his fault and I hadn't actually been inside Pizza King for years. Seriously. Years. So we went to Pizza King. Local pizza! While we were waiting for our food, Reid entertained me by drawing pictures and doing anagrams of his full name on a napkin. Then there was pizza and we ate the whole darn thing. When I went up to the counter to pay, Reid pointed out a small, drawn in Sharpie and rather tattered sign taped to the counter. It said cash or checks only. Meaning no plastic. I had eleven dollars and change. I did what any good mother would do. I volunteered my son for washing dishes and left him as collateral and went to the bank. Hey, he's twenty-two. It was fine. As I got into the car and headed toward the bank it occurred to me that I was carrying my small purse. With the tiny wallet. That did not contain my ATM card. The next logical thing was to proceed home. The place where I would have access not only to my ATM card but also my checkbook and modest cash stash! I was nearly giddy until I glanced over at my small purse in the passenger seat that does not contain keys to the house. No problem. This was precisely the occasion for which I years ago cleverly hid a spare set of house keys* somewhere on my property! And I actually remembered where! Then I couldn't get any of them to work. I sat down on the bench on the deck and it started to drizzle. This just keeps getting better and better, I mumble. I hear a meow. I look up toward the patio door and there sits Newton staring at me quizzically. The patio door is open** about four inches! Only a latched screen between me and inside! I located a pair of scissors in the garage and cut a neat opening, slipped my hand through, unlatched the screen and slid it open! I was in! There are more details but they're boring. This is what happens when Friday the 13th goes well, people. It creates some sort of cosmic buildup that has to cut loose at some later point in time. This is all basic physics. All I know is, next time I'm robbing a bank. It would be easier.

*Rest assured that I have given up on the hiding an emergency spare set of keys theory. If I catch any of you nosing around hoping to find them there will be hell to pay. Go rob a bank. You'll get more and it will be easier.

**This is the sort of miraculous part. I always close and latch the patio door. Always. This would be the exception that proves the rule.

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