Thursday, December 27, 2012

Open Letter to Newton & Einstein

These are the rules, fellas. Read. Commit to memory. Then, to the best of your ability, follow the goddam rules!

1. Do not, I repeat, do not, eat any of the various things about the house that were not designed for ingestion by felines. This includes, but is by no means limited to, wires, plastic bags, curling ribbon, rubber bands, plants and their parts (stems, flowers, leaves), holiday ornaments and packing materials, particularly those extruded thingys. 

2. I cannot stress enough that you follow rule #1. But in the inevitable likelihood that you do not, have the decency to at least keep it down and at some point successfully poop it out. I already scoop out your litter box so at least this approach does not result in me having to do more cleaning.

3. Believe me, I like to keep things simple and would prefer not having to even consider writing a third rule. But since I love you miserable, furry little monsters I recognize that if you don't follow rule #1 and gobble up something that is either toxic to you or will not pass successfully through your cat gut resulting in a blockage I must allow for a regurgitory addendum. If you must barf up said item, please do so on the hard surface flooring where clean-up is most easily facilitated. 

4. If rule #3 does not apply, please revert to rule #2. Even better, go back to #1.

5. I know that you are guys and a certain amount of Y-chromosome related behavior will be tolerated. This does not extend to any recreational peeing. Two litter boxes have been provided for this activity. Use them.

6. Feel free to rat each other out for not following these rules. Such behavior will be rewarded.

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